remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
