ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
