his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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