Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
