drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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