my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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