Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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