I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
