You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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