The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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