I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
