I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
