He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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