I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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