I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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