Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
