I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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