yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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