i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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