Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
