I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
