I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
