Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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