theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
