in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
