so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
