My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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