Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
