I got chris browned last night
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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