I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
