Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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