Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
