We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
