lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Sext me about skeletons
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
