He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
