so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
