I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
