The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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