Best friends brother. Beat that.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
