Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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