maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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