Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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