i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
