I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I FOUND THE LEGS
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
