You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
