I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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