Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
