tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
