So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I could fuck to npr.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
