Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
