Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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