i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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