mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
