Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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